By Emily Braunewell, EdM, LMHC, CMPC
Welcome to the BSPP Blog! In this series, “Meet…”, we’re taking you behind the scenes for a glimpse into the work we do. All identifying information has been modified or composited to preserve our clients’ confidentiality, and “C” has been used to represent the “Consultant.”
In this second installment, we are returning to where we left off with Anna, who came to see us at the insistence of her coach, for help with recurrent falls on beam. If you haven’t read Part I, be sure to check that out first!
OUR STORY CONTINUES…
“So, these falls,” C asked. “You said it felt like they started out of nowhere?”
Anna was seated across from C, a week after that first meeting. Her posture seemed a fraction looser, but C could see that she was still cautious as the session began.
Anna nodded. “Yeah, or it felt that way at least. I’ve obviously fallen plenty before, but not like this. Not so many times in a row.”
“And the rest of practice, was it business as usual, or?”
“For the most part, yeah,” Anna paused, thinking for a moment. “Well, the coaches pulled me aside at the start of practice, but not for anything bad.”
C raised her eyebrows. “What did you guys talk about?”
“Not much, just last season mostly,” Anna said. “I got first overall in beam in conference last year, and I got a personal best at regionals, even though I didn’t place. They were saying they want me to be more of a leader this year.”
“How was that for you to hear?”
“It was great in the moment!” Anna said. “I mean, this is what I wanted, right? I worked really hard to be a leader on the team, and a key contributor. I want my teammates and coaches to be able to trust me. Which, clearly isn’t working out so far.”
C inclined her head, encouraging Anna to go on.
“I mean, I should be hitting my higher scoring range by now, but I can’t even hit the routine, let alone score with it. I feel like everyone is starting to get frustrated with me.”
“Sounds like you’re feeling a lot of pressure,” C said. “And you’re worried about letting your team down.”
Anna looked to the ground. “Yeah, I am. I keep looking right to Coach’s face every time I step up to the beam, and I can’t help but think that she’s upset.”
“So as soon as you get up to the beam, you start wondering if Coach is upset?”
“Yup,” Anna thought for a moment. “Which wasn’t always the case, though. Usually, I get really excited before getting up there. Even that first practice, for example? I was super excited at first, until I was up on the beam.”
C nodded. “How about when you were up on the beam? What came up?”
Another pause. “…I remember thinking something about not wanting to fall.”
“Do you normally have that thought before a routine?”
“Not really, no,” Anna said. “I might have that thought in passing, but it’s almost like it got way louder all of a sudden. Like it was yelling in my ear.”
“What happened after that?” C asked.
“I remember I was so startled that I wobbled on my split leap,” Anna cringed as she said it, the memory hitting hard. “My landing was way too tense, and I just couldn’t get my body to relax again. It was like the more I tried, the worse it got. That of course didn’t help my approach to my aerial, which is already the hardest part of my routine.”
“So, you were thinking so much about falling that you started tensing up, almost like you were already bracing yourself to fall?”
“Yeah, exactly,” Anna said. “It was like that voice in my head just took over, and I couldn’t think about anything else. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I guess.”
C nodded. “Is that how it went for the rest of the practices after, and the meets?”
“Mostly, yeah,” Anna said. “The meets have actually been way worse. It’s not just thinking, it’s like, as soon as I step into the arena, my heart feels like it’s going to explode. I can’t catch my breath at all. I actually had a full-on panic attack last week.”
C’s eyes widened. “That sounds like it was really scary.” “So scary,” Anna is tense as she reflects on the memory. “That was when Coach brought up talking to you. It’s just so annoying, because I used to love meet days. They are the best part of the sport, you know? Now, I can barely even cheer for my teammates because I’m so focused on trying not to hyperventilate before my routine.”
C nodded. “I hear you, it must have been so frustrating and disappointing for this all to come up so suddenly. I think I have some ideas though, for where we can go from here, if you’re open to hearing about them?”
Anna smiled. “Sure, let’s do it.”
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Anna stepped into the gym for practice and felt the now-familiar twinge of nerves creep into her throat. But this time, she thought she felt the smallest drop of hope, lingering somewhere in the back of her brain. She tucked it away in her back pocket, not quite ready to look.
Anna let her mind wander to her meetings with C over the past few weeks. She and C had spent hours walking through the moments that Anna had been avoiding for weeks, piecing together the story of every fall, every pre-meet panic attack, until Anna was face to face with the voice that had followed her every step of the way.
“This voice,” C had said one week, glancing at the notes she’d been jotting down throughout the meeting. “It seems like it’s pretty hard on you.”
“It is,” Anna said. “But like I said, I’ve heard this voice before, it just never really bothered me this much.”
“Is it fair to say that you have pretty high expectations for yourself?”
Anna laughed. “Oh, definitely. I’m kind of like that with everything. I think I’ve gotten one B in my entire life. And if I can’t nail a skill, I literally can’t stop until I get it perfectly. Even Coach has to tell me to chill out sometimes.”
C smiled. “That’s good to know. So, this voice, it gets upset when you aren’t perfect?”
Anna nodded.
“I’m wondering,” C went on. “When you hear this voice, how do feel in response?”
*******************************************************************************************************
Bad.
That had been the first thing that jumped into Anna’s mind. But, why would it be bad? It had always motivated her, hadn’t it? Anna couldn’t help but realize that every time she’d fallen this season, that voice had been right there, waiting in the wings.
Even now as she stood staring at the beam, just the idea of that voice stepping in ticked Anna’s heart rate up several beats.
Relax. Anna pulled a different voice to the front of her head. That won’t be helpful.
Anna pulled her attention to her chest.
Breathe.
Anna breathed, just as she had in C’s office a few weeks before, hearing the cadence of C’s voice in her mind guiding each lungful in, and out. It was shaky at first, pushing back against the creeping tightness in her chest, but she noticed the exhale came a bit easier every time. She felt the tension give in just a little, and she took the opportunity to bring the breath even deeper.
Breathe.
Anna recognized the urge to look up at Coach’s face. Coach had tried her best to hide her worry every week, but Anna could always see it floating behind her eyes. Today she fought against the urge, keeping her gaze locked instead on the smooth rubber of the beam.
A second later she was up, and another second later a familiar voice prepared itself to join her, hovering just over her shoulder.
Don’t fa—
Stop.
This time, Anna was ready. She called in that new voice, pushing as much force into the command as possible. The first voice faltered, almost like it was surprised.
Smooth and steady.
She charged forward with the new voice, letting it wash over her. The phrase echoed over and over again in her mind, even as the first voice rebelled, trying to force its way back to the front.
Before she could blink, Anna had reached the aerial.
Smooth and steady. Breathe.
The voice threw everything it could at her, images of her teammate’s disappointment, Coach’s worry, her parent’s sympathy. She knew it was coming, but it still took her a moment to regroup. Stop. She thought quickly. That won’t help.
She moved, and the world tilted as it always did, and within an instant, her feet were on the beam. Anna wobbled, and the first voice made a move to step back in, chastising her for such a messy landing. Anna gritted her teeth.
Smooth. And. Steady.
She wobbled once, twice.
Anna stayed. The mat remained safely several feet below, instead of pressed against her back.
“Yes, Anna!”
Her Coach’s voice, joined quickly by a rush of cheers from her teammates.
Anna felt a wave of relief so strong that it almost knocked her off the beam she had worked so hard to stay on. She closed out her routine on instinct, stumbling roughly to her knees as she dismounted to the mat below, realizing how long it had been since she’d been able to successfully complete her routine all-out.
She finally looked up at her coach, who had reached a hand down to help Anna onto her feet.
Coach beamed. “Want to run it again?”
*******************************************************************************************************
“9.5!”
The number came crashing out of Anna, who had barely sat down across from C a moment before.
C grinned, immediately warmed by Anna’s energy. “How about that!”
“I know right?” Anna said. I almost couldn’t believe it. I feel like this time, that other voice didn’t even come out that much. I still did the mantra stuff though, just in case. I also tried the thing with talking to the beam, and I actually really liked it! I imagined it like having a buddy with me during the whole routine, like it didn’t want me to fall.”
“That’s so great to hear,” C said. “You must feel so proud of yourself.”
“Totally. I started crying afterward. Even though I stuck it at last week’s meet, I started to get worried that it was a fluke or something.”
“Do you still feel that way?” C asked.
Anna thought for a moment. “Not really, no. That voice still comes up sometimes, but I know how to deal with it now. Especially seeing how happy my Coach was, and my teammates too.”
Anna paused again, “I feel more like me again, if that makes sense.”
C nodded. “It does. That must be a relief.”
Anna smiled. She hesitated then, like she was working through her next question.
“So, what happens next?”
C shrugged. “Well, that depends. There are a few meets until conference, right?”
“Right.”
“Well, we could keep checking in weekly, if you needed. But, if you’ve got the skills down, then we can always spread it out a little and see how you feel.”
Anna swallowed. Just a few weeks ago she had pushed back against Coach’s request to meet with C, insisting that she could figure out what was happening on her own. Now, she was surprised to find herself worried. She’d grown used to their meetings, to know that she would have this space to work through things every week. She’d even started writing important details in a notebook after each practice, so that she could talk about them with C in the next session.
C must have noticed her concern. “And if you feel like you need more support again,” she added, “Then we can just go back to weekly.”
Anna exhaled. “Okay, cool. That works.”
C leaned forward a bit. Anna knew this look; C used it when she could tell that Anna was in her head.
“Anna,” C said. “You’ve worked so hard. It won’t be perfect –”
Anna laughed. “Ugh, I know.”
“—but it doesn’t have to be. We both know that you can do this.”
Anna nodded, feeling lighter. She thought of Coach and her teammates’ cheers when the judges flashed her score, and of her parent’s happy tears as they hugged her after the meet.
It won’t be perfect, Anna thought. But, that’s what I want, right?
Be sure to check back regularly for more installments of our “Meet…” series, where we will take you behind the scenes to meet some of our clients and the work we have done with them.
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